Do not enter into power struggles with your children. Nobody wins in a power struggle. It’s just not worth it. Most power struggles happen as our children come into their teenage years however younger children can be very good at this too.
Do not enter into power struggles with your children. Nobody wins in a power struggle. It’s just not worth it. Most power struggles happen as our children come into their teenage years however younger children can be very good at this too.
Recently we were at home one Friday night when some of my son’s friends came knocking at our door. They wanted Kieren (age 13) to come outside with them and play Spotlight with them at the park. It was 8.30pm at night when they called and my children had just arrived home from Youth Group. So they were hardly being deprived of entertainment. Yet my son decided that he was going to play in the park with his friends no matter what mum said. The conversation went something like this:
"Mum, can I please go out and play with my friends?" I knew I was in for a tough few minutes with my son but I firmly said, "No, Kieren. We have already been out tonight. You are not going out again". I waited for the back chat and I didn’t have to wait very long. "Oh, Mum, all my friends are outside and I’m going. You can’t stop me". Silence. I thought for a few seconds and decided to repeat my first answer again. So I said to him, "You are not going outside tonight Kieren". Then I walked away.
From the kitchen I could hear Kieren and he was not a happy chappy. He started to carry on like only a stroppy teenager can. He slammed the bedroom door not once but twice. He spent about ten minutes whingeing and moaning about my decision in an attempt to try and get me to change my mind.
Now here’s the thing, Kieren was angry and I didn’t try to make him agree or be happy with my decision. He seemed to need a bit of time to cool down. You cannot expect a teenager to always say sorry straight away. Kieren went off to bed in a huff but the next morning he came to me with an apology.
Negative behaviors come about by the need to exert power and control over other people. Some of these common behaviors are: picky eating, dawdling, threatening. When you have a child exhibiting these traits you need to offer choices rather than giving demands. This will ease the pain of conflict and prevent many power struggles.
It is human nature to test authority. Most of us do it at some time in our lives. But when kids do it they are wanting to know that you will not waver in your boundaries. This gives them a feeling of security in their lives.
Parents, it is just not your job to be liked. Sure it is nice when your kids like you but reality is that they won’t always like you. Get used to it. That’s life. If your kids liked you all the time you are doing something wrong. Kieren definitely did not like me that night. But the next morning he came to me with an apology. Better late than never, I suppose...
And, by the way, when Kieren woke up the next day his door was off the hinges. I didn’t need to growl at him for the door slam; I just took action to teach him that it was not an appropriate thing to do, thus avoiding another power struggle.
Kim Marie Patrick is a single mum with four children who lives on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. She is a best selling author as well as a child behavior management expert and her guide on raising children can be downloaded from: www.mychildcanbehave.com
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